12-15-2009, 08:22 PM
Oddly enough, and I'll only really say it once, most of the people around here fall within the 90th percentile in regards to intelligence quota.
The problem is with the remaining 90% (yeah, "percent-ILE" IS a weird term). The knuckle dragging idiots who make up the bulk of the workforce/interaction points.
I'll open with a little story of the trials a relative of mine is going through trying to get her Visa to work in the States.
You can skip the {{FLAME ON}} section if you don't want to read the back-story.
Round 1: The University, Part 1
Ok, she needs a copy of her transcript mailed to the Visa screening office, that an a letter (a filled form) describing what kind of degree she got.
Sounds easy right? Tell the U: "Hey retards, send my damn transcript to the Visa screening office, here's the mailing address. Fill out this form I'm handing you, and send it along with it. Do it up or I'll lay waste to your countryside."
Right, so she did that. But there's a hidden scene we'll reveal later.
Round 2: Visa Screening
This part is easy, you mail the Visa office a form that you fill out, along with a passport grade photo. Then you wait for 8 eons for the imbeciles at the Visa screening office to look at the 4 pieces of data you've submitted and print off a Visa form, then mail it back.
So, here's where the interesting events kick in. Instead of 8 eons, she had to wait 47 eons. Then she called them, the dialogue follows:
Visa office: "Hey"
Human: "....is this the Visa Screening Office?"
Visa office: "Uh... um... yeah"
Human: "....are you sure...?"
Visa office: "well I work here, so yeah"
Human: *details of problem*
Visa office: "Visa application? I think you need to call walmart, they take the pictures there."
Human: "Remove the candle from your brain, then remove the crayon"
Visa office: "Ok, try again"
Human: *repeats details of problem*
Visa office: "well, I don't know where the people who work here are, I have to look for them. we'll call you back in 2 to 39 business weeks"
Ok, so 86 eons later she gets a phonecall:
Visa office: "Well, we had to decline you because you filled out your birthday wrong"
Human: "Pretty sure that's impossible"
Visa office: "yeah, here is says 15, but your citizenship says a 14"
Human: "You think I'd write down 15, when my birthday is the 14th?"
Visa office: "well the form from the U says"
Human: "From the school? The school fills that out. It's illegal if I fill that out.... Damnit!"
Round 3: University Part 2
So, she goes back to the U. Of course, the retard she handed the form to somehow mistyped "15" instead of "14".
That's the hidden scene from earlier.
Here's another fun fact, instead of being able to print the form she needs at the U, they are imbeciles, and need her to get one from home, somehow.
So, she does that. Goes to the same retarded secretary who helped her before. And by "helped" I mean "projectile diarrhea'd everywhere". So the secretary is a classic human. A complete idiot who can't read at all, or write, or use the two skills as one, as a properly developed squirrel should be able to before even growing fur.
So, the secretary wants to start off by fixing the error asap, so the first thing she fills out on the form is the main character's birth date.
Goes to the first blank, that says "Month" below it, and proceeds to fill in the number 87. Now, luckily for this secretary, and whoever would have had to repaint that room, the main character in this story isn't me. You see, "87" is not a valid month enumeration.
Actually, funny story, but, putting "87" as a month on a form, in my presence, would have been the "secret code" for "get spread across 5 rooms in 2 easy steps". The first step being a thorough mashing, and the second being a strong breeze.
I digress. Yes, the secretary ruined the form instantly by using pen to incorrectly fill out the only form of its kind.
So, our heroine remarks:
"Yeah, I was born in May, not Garmalkufalkulun, you frea--king--re--tard"
I doctored that up a bit, she may have only said the first 6 words.
So the secretary gets out her white out, paints it on, and writes a huge 5 over top of it and immediately begins signing her name all over the place, by reflex.
The secretary then puts her thinking cap on. Except she doesn't have "thinking", only "sleeping", "vegetating", and one other... so instead she puts on her "crapping hat" and soils everything.
She moves on to the second blank, "what kind of degree? (PHD, Masters, or Baccalaureate)". Now, amazingly, even though she works at a University, the secretary is the most confused person on the planet. Road signs appear, pointing out the anomaly. "What is a baccalaureate? Is that even a thing?". So, she hesitates for a full minute, whilst twitching ferociously, and proceeds to write "Med Lab".
Human: "....why did you write Med Lab? That's not a choice..."
Secretary: "Well, your diploma is for Med Lab"
Human: "This is a university... you don't give out diplomas here, you disgusting sack of rotting crap."
Secretary: "Well, what should I put?"
Human: "What it says on my transcript, that you're holding.... 'General Science'. I have a Bachelor's Degree in General Science, which is a BACCALAUREATE"
The form is again ruined, and she needs to get a new one.
So at this point the secretary gets eaten by a passing cyclops.
Ha ha, just kidding, no, this story doesn't have a happy ending. I'll continue.
So, the form is ruined, and our heroine needs to get a new form.
She does so.
Brings it back to the secretary's office. The secretary has been replaced by 5 other secretaries.
She shows them the new form, her transcript (which they have anyway), and the envelope they need to use to mail it in. All five people in the office stare at it while the rusted gears in their heads noisily screech.
Apparently these secretaries are unfamiliar with doing the only job of university secretaries, filling out forms.
Round 4: Visa Office Part 2
Ah, you thought they were clear now eh? No.
So, our heroine gets a call:
Human: "Hello?"
Visa office: "hi, um, it's the Visa Office."
Human: "oh, I've gotten the university straightened out and the forms have been mailed."
Visa office: "Yeah, 'cept we lost your passport photo and transcript"
Human: "is that even possible? how do you loose permanent documents?"
Visa office: "dunno"
Human: "so I need to send my transcript and passport photo again?"
Visa office: "yea..."
Human: "I hate you"
That's where it currently sits.
{{FLAME ON}}
How does the Visa Office loose a passport photo, or a transcript that was physically mailed to them, and received, touched, if you will, by a human?
If you answered [anything], you're wrong, because, contrary to popular belief:
- the Visa office doesn't spread peanut butter on all valid documents and invite farm animals into the offices
- the Visa office isn't, in fact, a rodeo, where there is so much mud they pretty much just throw everything away all the time
Actually, trick question, it apparently is both of the above.
The high security Visa Screening office is, I imagine, chock full of the biggest morons alive, and possibly does host rodeos in its inner offices.
Loosing important documents doesn't happen if you:
- have a non-moving structure as your office
- have a spinal cord as a spinal cord
Actually, I guarantee, if I try 10 times, I would succeed at the following plan to breech the Visa screening offices:
step 1 - get Visa application form
step 2 - draw elaborate treasure map on the form instead of filling it out
step 3 - include the instructions "write your user name and password on this form and bury it at the X, come back in a week and your treasure will have grown!"
step 4 - dig up user ID and password
step 5 - infiltrate
It would work, trust me.
Now, on to the university secretaries.
How do they not know what a "baccalaureate" is?
It's what they sell, specifically, it's their biggest seller. They give degrees, and 80 percent of them are baccalaureates.
Second, how do you just assume you know how to fill in a blank without reading what goes in the freaking blank?
A university secretary fills out forms, that is all they freaking do. Yet... this marvel, somehow fills out the forms wrong because she forgot to perform the first step in form filling: "reading what goes on the form". Never the less, she still would have failed at: "understanding what the descriptor text means".
I'm sick and tired of useless humans having jobs and existing in general society.
If I can replace your entire functionality with a simple macro in an afternoon, you are useless and don't need to be burdening your chair.
The secretary didn't even have good boobs. Utterly useless.
I don't see how so many people with jobs that seem to be clerical in nature have an impossible time with anything other than assembly-line-style form filling. Where they can fill out form A because it is identical to form B which is the only form they've ever had to fill out. Wow, I could program a box of Kraft Dinner to do that boilerplate work, and you want pay for that?
The shelter your office space provides is worth more than the value you put into the company.
This story would have had a happy ending if I was directly involved.
But I wasn't, so it doesn't.
I also would have needed new shoes, as my current shoes would be on fire, and acting as a staple holding thirty eight retards against a cement mixer.
More to come later, if I feel like it.
The problem is with the remaining 90% (yeah, "percent-ILE" IS a weird term). The knuckle dragging idiots who make up the bulk of the workforce/interaction points.
I'll open with a little story of the trials a relative of mine is going through trying to get her Visa to work in the States.
You can skip the {{FLAME ON}} section if you don't want to read the back-story.
Round 1: The University, Part 1
Ok, she needs a copy of her transcript mailed to the Visa screening office, that an a letter (a filled form) describing what kind of degree she got.
Sounds easy right? Tell the U: "Hey retards, send my damn transcript to the Visa screening office, here's the mailing address. Fill out this form I'm handing you, and send it along with it. Do it up or I'll lay waste to your countryside."
Right, so she did that. But there's a hidden scene we'll reveal later.
Round 2: Visa Screening
This part is easy, you mail the Visa office a form that you fill out, along with a passport grade photo. Then you wait for 8 eons for the imbeciles at the Visa screening office to look at the 4 pieces of data you've submitted and print off a Visa form, then mail it back.
So, here's where the interesting events kick in. Instead of 8 eons, she had to wait 47 eons. Then she called them, the dialogue follows:
Visa office: "Hey"
Human: "....is this the Visa Screening Office?"
Visa office: "Uh... um... yeah"
Human: "....are you sure...?"
Visa office: "well I work here, so yeah"
Human: *details of problem*
Visa office: "Visa application? I think you need to call walmart, they take the pictures there."
Human: "Remove the candle from your brain, then remove the crayon"
Visa office: "Ok, try again"
Human: *repeats details of problem*
Visa office: "well, I don't know where the people who work here are, I have to look for them. we'll call you back in 2 to 39 business weeks"
Ok, so 86 eons later she gets a phonecall:
Visa office: "Well, we had to decline you because you filled out your birthday wrong"
Human: "Pretty sure that's impossible"
Visa office: "yeah, here is says 15, but your citizenship says a 14"
Human: "You think I'd write down 15, when my birthday is the 14th?"
Visa office: "well the form from the U says"
Human: "From the school? The school fills that out. It's illegal if I fill that out.... Damnit!"
Round 3: University Part 2
So, she goes back to the U. Of course, the retard she handed the form to somehow mistyped "15" instead of "14".
That's the hidden scene from earlier.
Here's another fun fact, instead of being able to print the form she needs at the U, they are imbeciles, and need her to get one from home, somehow.
So, she does that. Goes to the same retarded secretary who helped her before. And by "helped" I mean "projectile diarrhea'd everywhere". So the secretary is a classic human. A complete idiot who can't read at all, or write, or use the two skills as one, as a properly developed squirrel should be able to before even growing fur.
So, the secretary wants to start off by fixing the error asap, so the first thing she fills out on the form is the main character's birth date.
Goes to the first blank, that says "Month" below it, and proceeds to fill in the number 87. Now, luckily for this secretary, and whoever would have had to repaint that room, the main character in this story isn't me. You see, "87" is not a valid month enumeration.
Actually, funny story, but, putting "87" as a month on a form, in my presence, would have been the "secret code" for "get spread across 5 rooms in 2 easy steps". The first step being a thorough mashing, and the second being a strong breeze.
I digress. Yes, the secretary ruined the form instantly by using pen to incorrectly fill out the only form of its kind.
So, our heroine remarks:
"Yeah, I was born in May, not Garmalkufalkulun, you frea--king--re--tard"
I doctored that up a bit, she may have only said the first 6 words.
So the secretary gets out her white out, paints it on, and writes a huge 5 over top of it and immediately begins signing her name all over the place, by reflex.
The secretary then puts her thinking cap on. Except she doesn't have "thinking", only "sleeping", "vegetating", and one other... so instead she puts on her "crapping hat" and soils everything.
She moves on to the second blank, "what kind of degree? (PHD, Masters, or Baccalaureate)". Now, amazingly, even though she works at a University, the secretary is the most confused person on the planet. Road signs appear, pointing out the anomaly. "What is a baccalaureate? Is that even a thing?". So, she hesitates for a full minute, whilst twitching ferociously, and proceeds to write "Med Lab".
Human: "....why did you write Med Lab? That's not a choice..."
Secretary: "Well, your diploma is for Med Lab"
Human: "This is a university... you don't give out diplomas here, you disgusting sack of rotting crap."
Secretary: "Well, what should I put?"
Human: "What it says on my transcript, that you're holding.... 'General Science'. I have a Bachelor's Degree in General Science, which is a BACCALAUREATE"
The form is again ruined, and she needs to get a new one.
So at this point the secretary gets eaten by a passing cyclops.
Ha ha, just kidding, no, this story doesn't have a happy ending. I'll continue.
So, the form is ruined, and our heroine needs to get a new form.
She does so.
Brings it back to the secretary's office. The secretary has been replaced by 5 other secretaries.
She shows them the new form, her transcript (which they have anyway), and the envelope they need to use to mail it in. All five people in the office stare at it while the rusted gears in their heads noisily screech.
Apparently these secretaries are unfamiliar with doing the only job of university secretaries, filling out forms.
Round 4: Visa Office Part 2
Ah, you thought they were clear now eh? No.
So, our heroine gets a call:
Human: "Hello?"
Visa office: "hi, um, it's the Visa Office."
Human: "oh, I've gotten the university straightened out and the forms have been mailed."
Visa office: "Yeah, 'cept we lost your passport photo and transcript"
Human: "is that even possible? how do you loose permanent documents?"
Visa office: "dunno"
Human: "so I need to send my transcript and passport photo again?"
Visa office: "yea..."
Human: "I hate you"
That's where it currently sits.
{{FLAME ON}}
How does the Visa Office loose a passport photo, or a transcript that was physically mailed to them, and received, touched, if you will, by a human?
If you answered [anything], you're wrong, because, contrary to popular belief:
- the Visa office doesn't spread peanut butter on all valid documents and invite farm animals into the offices
- the Visa office isn't, in fact, a rodeo, where there is so much mud they pretty much just throw everything away all the time
Actually, trick question, it apparently is both of the above.
The high security Visa Screening office is, I imagine, chock full of the biggest morons alive, and possibly does host rodeos in its inner offices.
Loosing important documents doesn't happen if you:
- have a non-moving structure as your office
- have a spinal cord as a spinal cord
Actually, I guarantee, if I try 10 times, I would succeed at the following plan to breech the Visa screening offices:
step 1 - get Visa application form
step 2 - draw elaborate treasure map on the form instead of filling it out
step 3 - include the instructions "write your user name and password on this form and bury it at the X, come back in a week and your treasure will have grown!"
step 4 - dig up user ID and password
step 5 - infiltrate
It would work, trust me.
Now, on to the university secretaries.
How do they not know what a "baccalaureate" is?
It's what they sell, specifically, it's their biggest seller. They give degrees, and 80 percent of them are baccalaureates.
Second, how do you just assume you know how to fill in a blank without reading what goes in the freaking blank?
A university secretary fills out forms, that is all they freaking do. Yet... this marvel, somehow fills out the forms wrong because she forgot to perform the first step in form filling: "reading what goes on the form". Never the less, she still would have failed at: "understanding what the descriptor text means".
I'm sick and tired of useless humans having jobs and existing in general society.
If I can replace your entire functionality with a simple macro in an afternoon, you are useless and don't need to be burdening your chair.
The secretary didn't even have good boobs. Utterly useless.
I don't see how so many people with jobs that seem to be clerical in nature have an impossible time with anything other than assembly-line-style form filling. Where they can fill out form A because it is identical to form B which is the only form they've ever had to fill out. Wow, I could program a box of Kraft Dinner to do that boilerplate work, and you want pay for that?
The shelter your office space provides is worth more than the value you put into the company.
This story would have had a happy ending if I was directly involved.
But I wasn't, so it doesn't.
I also would have needed new shoes, as my current shoes would be on fire, and acting as a staple holding thirty eight retards against a cement mixer.
More to come later, if I feel like it.