Tavern Forums

Yeah, that's right Cinci, you're freaking retarded, deal with it.

So I'm in Cincinnati for work right now, and guess what, it sucks. My boss was all "oh, you're in for a treat, they have awesome restaurants there, the best next to San Fransisco!". Well, he didn't say "you're in for a treat", I threw that in there to make it sound all the more ironic and horrible.

Yeah, so, I'm here in my two bedroom king suite complete with kitchenette and I think to myself. Hmm, the only restaurants for half an hour around me are coffee shops and fast food. I'll get groceries! Now, that usually works in most cities I stay in, not Cinci.

So, I depart my hotel with the hotel "stuff that's around us" directory in hand hoping to pop into the most convenient grocery place on the planet, Wal-Mart. So, I get there, guess what. WalMart is closed, oh it's not late at night, it's closed as in, for rent. Greeeeeeeat. What's my other grocery options within a half hour radius? Ah, Sam's Club and Price Club.

Are you freaking kidding me? I have to be in a freaking club if I want to buy groceries in this hell-hole!? So, according to my research, there is a grocery store called Kroger that is common to the US. Perfect, I'll just go there. Wraaaaaaaang, no such thing as Kroger where I am apparently.

You know those roads that have like, every store on them. Like, it'll start off with a Best Buy, then a few restaurants, then a Target, then K-Mart, then a [insert the name of every store here], then at the end there's like a mall or something. Well yeah, I went down that road, two of them actually. Zero groceries, zero Wal-Mart, zero K-Mart. WTF. So I drive back to my hotel hoping to find a subway AT LEAST so I wouldn't have to eat what apparently is the only source of food in this disgrace of a town (coffee, McDonalds, Arby's, or Wendy's). No SubWay, ah perfect! A Quiznos, so I pull in, it's closed. WTF.

So, I'm writing this right now after having finished my Chicken Bacon Ranch from McDonalds. It was gross and awful. The ranch tasted like triple thick mayonnaise and the bun was a slab of unfamiliar taste that had become soggy due to over-ranching.

...and what's more, I'm fine with a giga-king suite, but seriously, I'd prefer a double bed if I got a free breakfast with it. Getting breakfast when I can't just pick something up to eat daily from a grocery store is literally the biggest pain in the ass ever. I'm not getting up a second earlier, I already have to get up while vampires still roam the streets, I'm not slaughtering myself any more just so I can be the first to show up at some McDonalds to get a cheap coffee and muffin before I hit rush-hour traffic. Yeah, ignore this paragraph, it's off topic.

I am seriously considering running on one meal a day, lunch. The people I'm working with here are awesome, and so is everyone else I've had to interact with. Maybe that's a result of having to put up with their crummy city for so damn long, they're just naturally benevolent now.

If push comes to shove I'm getting energy bars from a gas station (provided they have those here) and surviving off those for the rest of the week.

I recommend Peanut Butter PowerBars. Also, fruit pies from gas stations are normally pretty darn good, the Hostess ones.

Kroger's do exist. They originated in the South I believe. That's where we go generally. Look for a Publix as well. They are good too. Not sure of there range in the country though. I think you are unfortunately feeling the screw over due to the economy. I'm guessing Cinci is hurting pretty bad if a freakin' Wal-mart is closed down.

There were Kroger's on the maps, just not in real life.
There weren't any Publix, I don't think I've seen them that far north, not sure though.

No kidding, since when does a Wal-Mart close? Yeesh.

we should have an interesting rant by the end of the week if you go on one meal for this week

Here's my solution:
1. Find a bar.
2. Order a drink.
3. Toast to <insert a crowd pleaser here - [suggestions: Cincinnati; any Cincinnati sports team; the bar; the bartender; a pretty (w/o a chaperon) girl; a waitress]>
4. Go back to #2. and start over, if you get thrown out for any reason go back to #1.
5. All good.
6. When you get here it is time to buy Valentines gifts for all the unattached girls you know - order on-line and send jewelery it shows you care...

Guess how many bars I passed during my 1 hour "find out the stuff" ride. Zero.

No place could I find where I could get a case either.

Hint for you - hire a taxi- they know things that you need to know - where to get groceries, where the bars are, where the best cup of coffee can be found, where to buy beer in bulk (remember that a "beer ball" is 'like' one beer...with a straw...), who makes the best donuts in town, how to milk a fare for every penny you can... err well they know more than you need to know but most have been a wealth of information to me whenever in a new place. You may get 'taken for a ride' and it could cost you a few shekels but the adventure value alone is probably worth it, you can't judge a new city by what you find--because you don't know where to look. Ask a cabbie where the best coffee is and have him take you there to buy him a cup of coffee and I'd guess you will find one of the better cups available in the city, THEN you can judge it as being worthy or not.

There nalot goes wheeling and dealing.

Taxi Joke!!!

A women calls a taxi driver and realizes she has no cash.
She spreads her legs and says can I pay with this?
The driver says u got anything smaller???